My Biggest Mistakes As a Leader: How Your Influence Changes Lives

Many years ago, my then 9-year-old daughter, Eszter, was up in the jacaranda tree, 

swinging in the wind on the top branches. 

Whenever she needed space, she climbed that tree. We had just had an argument, I was triggered, and I lost my cool - to put it mildly. My demanding energy in turn, triggered her, understandably.

When I saw her up in the tree, I panicked. It was dangerous for her to be up there with so much upset and grief. 

Demanding her to come down would only make her climb higher, and withdrawing would be irresponsible.

 My brain searched for ideas on what to do, but I realized that a panicked mind can't access the depth of our wisdom and being.

So, I grounded myself by feeling my feet on the ground, listening to the birds, and touching the tree. 

Once my nervous system felt more at ease, a thought and a sense arose from my belly: "I AM IT." 

I knew that nobody else would rescue me, and that I was Eszter's only mommy.

As she screamed about how bad of a mom I was and how she wished she was adopted, I responded with warmth, care, and dignity that came from my inner realization, "I know, Honey. And I am your mommy. Nobody else is coming. I'm here, and I'm not proud of what I did. We'll get through this. You are a wonderful daughter, and I will always be your mommy."

My words came straight from my heart and belly, carrying enough power, reassurance, and sincerity to help her feel safe again.

She eventually came down from the tree, and we hugged and reset before trying again.

As I found healing for my triggers, incidents like this happened less and less frequently, and with less intensity.

As a leader, we all make mistakes. 

Sometimes, those mistakes can have consequences that we never could have predicted. In my case, my mistakes had a huge impact on my family. 

For a long time, I didn't even consider myself a leader. I was just a mom, a home-schooler, a singer, a Scripture teacher etc.

I didn't think of myself as dominating or controlling. I wanted to be approachable, friendly, warm, and caring. I wanted closeness and that I can be trusted and confided in, relied upon, and loved.

But the truth is, being that kind of leader is not easy...

It takes a ton of inner work, grief, tears and courage to face what is inside of ourselves. We all have parts of us that we are embarrassed about, that we judge and want nobody to know or see. 

But if we are gentle and compassionate with ourselves, and we are lucky enough to meet someone who can role-model this kind of behaviour, then we start feeling safe enough to see that everything we judge in others and ourselves is a universal quality.

One of my biggest mistakes as a leader was being a dominant and demanding parent.

I used to yell, force, hit with a wooden spoon, demand perfection, and demand obedience. 

When I realised what I was really doing, I thought I needed forgiveness from my children, but what I really needed was my own forgiveness. 

I put my children in charge, and that just confused them. They couldn't like me anymore or trust that I was there for them. I was weakened by the guilt and shame, and became 'dependent'.

When I collapsed, I felt like I wasn't worthy to be their parent and that I was the worst parent on the planet.

I had to realize, though, that they couldn't have a better parent. I am IT. They are stuck with me, and I cannot undo the fact that I birthed them. 

So, I had to make the best of myself.

Instead of the dominant parent, being a pushover or a collapsed parent didn't feel good for me or my children either. It took a lot of searching, trying methods, and embracing the internet for me to find my voice and become a better leader. 

I started trusting my own inner sense, the energies between myself and others, and my own responses. I learned that heart learning, which does not leave out the head, is what life delights in. It's almost like life asks us for feedback.

All of my mistakes were opportunities to learn, not just with my head but with my heart as well. 

Experience, expression, creativity, and process feel better than mere approval, outcomes, and achievements.

So, let me put it this way: If you don't think of yourself as a leader, I really think you should reconsider that. Your influence on others is actually way more important than you might think. 

Seriously, the people in your life probably value you a lot more than you realize. They most probably do take you seriously and really care about what you think, your input and insights.

Now, I'm not saying it's easy to step up and be more visible in your personal and professional life. It will not happen just by wanting it, or even making a decision.

It can take some work on yourself to become more confident and comfortable in your own skin. 

But the truth is, as a society, we're at a point where we really need to start healing and evolving our relationships with each other. It's important for our survival as a species, really.

The thing is, when you're willing to be vulnerable and open up about your inner world, you create a safe space for others to do the same. And that kind of intimacy and closeness can make a huge difference in how we feel on a day-to-day basis. 

When we feel better, we tend to do better, and that can make the whole world a better place. We need leaders like that. So, go ahead and risk stepping up - the world needs your leadership now more than ever.

Remember, you were born for such a time as this.

Love,

Ildiko <3