The Unseen Tragedy of Unsupport: Lessons from Matyi’s Birth

Today would have been my son Matyi's 30th birthday. 

This significant milestone in our family's life prompted me to reflect deeper on the role of support systems in our lives. 

In this post, I want to write about how the lack of support can continue cycles of trauma and anxiety across generations (and mostly not on purpose).

The Confidence

Being already a mother to three wonderful children in Hungary, I felt a strong sense of confidence as I anticipated the birth of Matyi, our fourth child but the first to be born in Australia. I was well-acquainted with the maternity care systems and procedures in Hungary and felt secure in my ability to navigate motherhood once again.

The Birth: A Turning Point

The day Matyi was born marked a significant departure from my previous experiences. The hospital environment, the midwives, and even the procedures were entirely different from what I was accustomed to. One change that took me aback was the absence of a breastfeeding scale to weigh Matyi before and after feedings—a practice that had been a ritual in Hungary and one that reassured me my baby was getting enough nourishment. Instead, I was told to feed him whenever he cried. While this advice was well-intentioned, it was alien to my previous routine of feeding my babies every 2-3 hours.

Coping in Alone

This sudden change pushed me into a cycle of anxiety and panic. Matyi , like all babies would, picked up on this atmosphere, crying almost always. With three older children to look after, I was at a loss, unable to feed him non-stop as he cried non-stop. 

It was a cycle of mutual distress. In this emotional turbulence, I did not even notice the absence of my mother or stepmother. In fact, I didn't even realize that I was coping in isolation; I thought I had to cope alone.

The Results of the Lack of Support

The stress and anxiety of those early days with Matyi were not isolated events but had long-lasting effects on both of us. This emotional turbulence could be viewed as an unintentional continuation of a cycle of trauma and stress, passed down despite my best intentions.

We underestimate how essential it is to have emotional and practical support, particularly during significant life changes and transitions.

Learnings

My journey through grief, trauma, and healing has showed me the need for strong and healthy emotional and practical support systems. 

The hardships and challenges Matyi and I faced have been catalysts for deep insights into emotional well-being and the importance of family bonds. These insights have been particularly beneficial in nurturing my relationship with my youngest daughter, Eszter, who also faced her own early life challenges.

Notice in your own life 

What do you really need? Seek support, and offer it to those around you. 

Maybe, you already offer your support, but it's more difficult to ask for and receive it.Remember, by receiving support you give the opportunity for others to give too.
You definitely are worthy and deserving of all the support you need.

Deep love,

Ildiko <3